TO MUCH BITCHINESS ME INCLUDED FOR THOSE NOT WANTING NSFW

[Garenth]

Airline Humor

 

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

 

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.   After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:   "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.   Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.   The weather ahead is good; therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.   Now sit back and relax ...   OH, MY GOD!" ---  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.   While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.   You should see the front of my pants!"   A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing.   You should see the back of mine!"

 

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

 

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate, and once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.   The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."   He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.   Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.   She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"   "Why, no, Ma'am" said the pilot, "What is it?"   The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.   Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"

 

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.   Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.   Please do not leave children or spouses."

 

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.   To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.   It works just like every other seat belt;  and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

 

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight:   "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

 

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:   The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.   I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault;  it wasn't the pilot's fault;  it wasn't the flight attendant's fault;  it was the asphalt."

 

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.   Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.   If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.   If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

 

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.   This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

 

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

 

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.   If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

 

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:   During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it.   After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.   Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:   "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.   And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

 

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.   We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

 

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.   Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;  and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."



ITS FRIDAY WE ALL NEED SOME LAUGHS POST YOUR GOOD ONES AND FAVORITES HERE
 

[Garenth]

SINCE THE OTHER ONE WAS LIKED THIS WAS ALWAYS ONE OF MY FAVORITES!

  > After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet".                                 
  which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics                                 
  correct the problem, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots                                 
  review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that                                 
  ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance                                 
  complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a  P) and the solutions     
  recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.                                 
                                 
                                 
  > By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had                                 
an accident.                                 
                                 
  > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.                                 
  > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.                                 
                                 
  > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.                                 
  > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.                                 
                                 
  > P: Something loose in cockpit.                                 
  > S: Something tightened in cockpit.                                 
                                 
  > P: Dead bugs on windshield.                                 
  > S: Live bugs on back-order.                                 
                                 
  > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet                                  
        per minute descent.                                 
  > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.                                 
                                 
  > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.                                 
  > S: Evidence removed.                                 
                                 
  > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.                                 
  > S: DME volume set to more believable level.                                 
                                 
  > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.                                 
  > S: That's what friction locks are for.                                 
                                 
  > P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.                                 
  > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.                                 
                                 
  > P: Suspected crack in windshield.                                 
  > S: Suspect you're right.                                 
                                 
  > P: Number 3 engine missing.                                 
  > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.                                 
                                 
  > P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)                                 
  > S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.                                 
                                 
  > P: Target radar hums.                                 
  > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.                                 
                                 
  > P: Mouse in cockpit.                                 
  > S: Cat installed.                                 
                                 
  > And the best one for last ..................                                 
                                 
  > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget                                 
midget pounding on something with a hammer.                                 
  > S: Took hammer away from midget.                                 
                                 
The End                                 
                                 

[Draco]

I was in aircraft maintenance during my early days in the air force and we saw alot of these joke right ups too, cant remember all of them, but one of my favorites was when one of the guys i worked with had a lazy eye and a pilot called us to the aircraft for an ADI (attitude direction indicator, shows the horizon and orientation of the aircraft) that he thought was messed up because it showed the plane was leaning slightly to the left, so we made the guy with the lazy eye go up and look the pilot straight in the face and say "Looks good to me sir" with his eye all off center.

[Garenth]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.  This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

                       

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.   A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.   Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, InlandLakesand Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.   We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.   All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.   Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.   Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative, Land and Water Management Division






This is the actual response sent back:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.   A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.   While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."   I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.   I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

 (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or

 (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.   Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns.   My first concern is ... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?   The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.   The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.   In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.   They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.   Why wait until 1/31/1998?   The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area.   It is the bears!   Bears are actually defecating in our woods.   I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.   If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!  (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

[Draco]

LMFAO!!!!! thats classic

[Dammit Dan]

DAMIT ALL!!!     I want some dam beavers around here damit

[Ellanorah]

having flown with Southwest I can see how those quotes are funnny.
on my flight from (or too) KS one of the flight attendants said at the end of the flight, something about there being an ipod in the seat pocket (i know it has a name, but i have stupid brain atm). He was so serious....everybody looked...then he said that he was kidding and that while we were looking to take all the rubbish out.
that was a good flight.

also...I never want to fly with American Airlines again. the only time i got really sick was on their flights.

but back to making people giggle