RedDawn's OMFG TMI Thread # 1 aka It's all Troyers fault.....

update:

OK. So mashing your balls can be a bad thing. Let's backtrack!

So I mash leftie. Everything is cool. Fast forward a day and a half.....I am in the shower getting ready to wax my balls when I notice that one TESTE is significantly larger than normal. WTF. I start freaking out. I'm like "Did Turkley give me the clap?" All kinds of scenrio's were going through my head. So I get on google. Search SWOLLEN GINORMOUS TESTICLES.

I peruse the things that cause TESTES to swell.

Torsion....the ball gets turned around that the blood flow get's cut off. Imagine the Bugs Bunny cartoons where they get their toe smashed. You know it gets big and red? Well same thing but I guess the pain is so extreme you can't do anything.

ok no thats not right. I'm not feeling any pain so it can't be that....I keep perusing

Hydrocele....A hydrocele is a fluid-filled sac that surrounds a testicle, causing swelling of the scrotum. About one in 10 male infants has a hydrocele at birth, but most hydroceles disappear without treatment within the first year of life. Additionally, men — usually older than 40 — can develop a hydrocele due to inflammation or injury within the scrotum. Hydroceles usually aren't painful. Typically not harmful, hydroceles may require no treatment. However, if you have scrotal swelling, see your doctor to rule out other causes, such as testicular cancer or other conditions.

Hmm...this looks interesting....but I'm not Stugots old so I don't know if this is it

Epididymitis....a medical condition in which the epididymis becomes inflamed. This condition may be mildly to very painful. Antibiotics may be needed to control a component of infection.

hmmm...no this doesn't hurt so let me keep looking.....I keep looking and find one where I have a SHIT TON of symptoms

TESTICULAR CANCER....you gotta be shitting me

Symptoms:
* Pain or swelling in the testicles YES
* Lumps or nodules in the testicles, whether painful or not Not that I could feel
* Enlargement of the testicles or change in the way a testicle feels YES
* Pain in the lower abdomen, back, or groin areas YES
* Swelling of the scrotum or collection of fluid within the scrotum YES

ok so at that point I am freaking the F out. So I am like ok I better go to the Urgent Care.

I go to urgent care....the intake nurse asks me what's wrong...I shyly say "swollen teste ma'am."

The doc comes in and I tell him what's going on and he goes drop em. Great I love dudes checking out my bird.....SNAKE SHOW. He recoils in fear and says "good god man you have to go to the ER right now". He says its an infection or worse. So he said I need to get an ultrasound on my balls and blood work to rule out everything.

So I go to ER and the nurse ushers me in and I strip down so she can take a gander at my watermelon bag. Finally a chick checking out my bird....I needed to keep the chick to dude gander ratio on the straight side. She was like holy moly and left the room....no doubt to tell all of her female co-workers to go and check out my softball. So I have another nurse come in and ask me if I am keeping company with dirty women and I assure her I would love to but dirty women don't dig me unless I come prepared with $100 bills. So she swabs my bird for a clap check.

So the doctor comes in. He was the biggest black guy I have ever seen. I am almost positive he is part giant. You know how there are dark dwarves in middle earth? This guy is like frost giants in Norway but form down under. He was almost 20 feet tall. He checks my sack and says someone will be down to do an ultrasound.

Ultrasound? I asked him if I could tell it's sex...he laughed....I was breaking the ice from this dude looking at my bird.

So about 20 minutes later a supermodel walks in and said she will take me over to radiology. HELL YES! Normally I would have requested a dude but this chick was so good looking I wanted her to check out my bird. So she rolls me away as I am giggling that this broad has to examine my sack and I dont have to pay her or buy her dinner. I am the big winner today.

So she pours on the liquid nitrogen ultrasound gel onto my sack and christ that wasn't necessary. It WAS all good when she moved my bird over and started playing with my balls. I got to see my testes on the machine and hear the blood rushing though them. Blood flow ruled out torsion. So for about 20 minutes she rooted around with her magic wand next to my magic wand and I was cracking jokes the whole time. It was great.

So she take me back to the ER and the clap nurse comes back and tells me I am without the clap. I am pure as the new fallen snow let me tell you.

So about an hour later the doctor comes back and says the trauma to the teste caused an infection. Gave me two prescriptions and said beat it chump.

LEVOQUIN antibiotics for the win! I'm down from four times the normal size to twice the normal size in 2 days. It's all going to be ok.